EDWARD vs. DRACULA [cause i'm too lazy to think up anything creative]
Jessica surveyed her two victims, Edward Cullen and the ‘One and Only’ Dracula. ‘Not my FIRST choice or my second for that matter, but let’s see what we can do with these guys.’
Walking over to the two vampires she shouted “OK look here. Dracula, Sparkle-Boy, for the next few hours I will be putting you through numerous tests to see which one of you is the better vampire. The winner gets a book-wich, the loser gets deer-shanked. ANY QUESTIONS BEFORE WE GET STARTED?!”
“I’VE COME TO SUCK YOUR BLOOD!”
“Whatever, ok Dracula and Sparkle-Boy –“
“My name is Cullen. EDWARD Cullen.”
“…right. ANYWAY your first competition is to see which one of you can seduce more women with a kissing booth. Both of you are to set up a kissing booth in the mall courtyard and whoever attracts the most people wins.” And with that the crazy host held up a deer the size of a small dog and proceeded to sharpen its horns.
Edward started to chuckle. This caught both Dracula’s and Jessica’s attention, earning him a weird look from the host.
“VAT do you sink iss so funny, eh?” exclaimed the Count.
“Oh, nothing,” Edward answered smoothly and flipped his hair to one side.
“O…Kay then. The both of you have thirty minutes to get as many people in your line as possible. You are allowed to use bribery and decorations to attract the most women, or in Shiny-Stripper-Man’s case, fangirls.”
“I’ve come to suck your blood??”
“Right. And… BEGIN!!”
Twenty-five minutes into the struggle it was obvious that Edward was going to win, when on the other side of the courtyard a yell was heard.
“HEY LADIES!!”
Heads turned in the direction of the yell to a small, quaint booth set up. Zackary Fair had duct-taped poor Cloud to a chair and was proceeding to yell at everyone who would listen that his friend’s kissing booth was now open for business, to the dismay of Cloud’s girlfriend Kaylynn.
“Any donations are welcome, thank you and good-luck Spiky,” and with those last words of encouragement Zack left to sit with Jessica and watch Cloud handle the crowd of women that had accumulated infront of his booth.
“OK. That’s thirty. Now everyone GET OUT!!” With a terrifying yell Jessica scared everyone away so that everything could be taken down and Cloud could be set free. “Although it is unnecessary to hand them in, please give me your tally sheets.” Both Edward and Dracula handed in a tally sheet, and Zack handed over the scrap of paper he used to keep count for Cloud. “And in last place we have Dracula with seven women.”
“But-”
“NO randomly jumping on people and sucking their blood does not count”
“…oh”
“And in second place we have-”
“-WAIT A SECOND! What do you mean second place? There were only two of us!”
“Oh contraire Mr. Sparkle-Butt there were THREE of you. Now if you don’t mind [ahem], in second place is Twinkle-Toes with 1,287 fangirls and no regular women.”
“Wait a sec, WAT?!” exclaimed Edward.
“Which means first place goes to Cloud with a whopping total of 786,847 women and $3,984,754.”
“Way to go Chocobo! I always knew you had it in you!” congratulated Zack to a blushing blond.
“No sucking blood?!”
“No Dracula, he didn’t suck anyone’s blood.”
“BUT HE WAS ONLY THERE FOR FIVE MINUTES!!”
“Well I guess that means something then doesn’t it Pretty-Boy.” Ignoring the other comments from the PMSing Edward, Jessica proceeded to tell the two of their next challenge.
“Modeling?”
“In nature. What? Don’t think you can handle that Twinkle-Toes?”
“No I just don’t think it’s fair to the Count. Wait a sec. There won’t be any surprises in this thing too will there be?”
“No, no surprises.”
“I’ve co-,”
“And NO blood sucking!!” Jessica fumed turning to the count and grabbing him by the collar.
“OK, OK. I won’t suck the blood… for now…”
“Anyway you’re up first Dracula.” After a very unsuccessful shoot, Dracula walked back and tried to sneak away to ‘find a snack.’
“So it’s my turn then,” not so much a question as it was a statement.
“Yeah, go and give it your best shot Sparkle-Boy.”
Edward proceeded to peel off his shirt and threw it on Jessica head. After removing the shirt from her face, the host hurt her eyes by catching a glimpse of a shirtless sparkling thing that resembled a human.
Walking back to the chairs about an hour later with a smirk on his face Edward put on his shirt and waited with Jessica and the Count until the photos were developed and the winner was to be announced.
“OK, the loser is… The Human Disco Ball”
There was a short silence that then, “WHAT?! You’ve got to be joking. Me? I lost at a photo shoot thing?!”
“Dude, you’re not even IN the pictures,” showing Edward the pictures she had in here hand, each one only showed a rock. An attractive rock, but a rock none the less. Leaving a speechless Edward, Jessica continued. “And since rocks can’t eat book-wiches the winner is, DRACULA!!”
“…”
“Ummm, Dracula, you won. Be happy!”
“Do I get to suck blood?”
Jessica sighed, “No, you don’t get to suck blood.”
After trying to convince Edward that he was not ‘a pathetic, good-for-nothing, ugly, stupid, little vampire thing that couldn’t do shit if he life depended on it’ [because it’s very hard to fight for a cause you don’t believe in] Jessica got the two vampires to the third round.
“This round is to see which one of you can fight the best, and helping me judge this one will be the most amazing [annoyingly so] fighter in almost forever, Sephiroth [queue theme music].”
“…”
“…”
“You know, like pow, pow, kabam, punch, kick, kick, punch?”
“…”
“Uhh… I’ve come to suck your blood?”
“Sure, basically. Anyway Pretty-Boy you’re up first. BRING IN THE PSYCHO! Oh, not you darling, the other psycho,” Jessica reassured patting Edwards shoulder and ruffling his hair. Sure enough, Genesis Rhapsodos was brought into a small boxing ring soon followed by Edward.
Edward flashed his fangs and things went downhill from there. “Day-um, you fangs is all bitch’n and shiny and shit!” shouted Genesis jumping on Edward.
“What happened to him?” Jessica questioned turning to Sephiroth.
“He started watching MTV about a week ago and he’s been like this ever since.”
~5 minutes later and having a conversation with Edward~
“So anyway, as I was say’n, this bitch was all up in my koolaid like ‘I know you ride’n dirty’ and I was all ‘Get out of the way bitch, I gotta go to my crib and scope my possie’ you know what I’m say’n yo?!”
“Is he having a conversation with Pretty-Boy?!”
“Frankly, I think I liked him better when he was quoting poetry.”
“OK well this is getting ridiculous so what now?” The host thought for a second before running to the ring and dragging Genesis, who proceeded to ramble, out of said ring and pushed a confused but pleased Sephiroth into the fight.
“Now this should be more interesting. FIGHT!”
Long story short, Seph kicked Edward’s ass because Edward is ‘a pathetic, good-for-nothing, ugly, stupid, little vampire thing that couldn’t do shit if he life depended on it.’
“AND THAT’S A WRAP!! Seph, he can’t die yet, the story isn’t over.”
“Hmm”
After the medics carried Edward off to the side of the establishment Jessica forced Dracula onto the stage and announced his fierce opponent.
“Barney? You expect him to fight Barney?”
“Well Seph, my friend, you never know.”
“Piece of cake,” snorted Dracula and advanced on the purple dinosaur. His advance quickly stopped however when the dinosaur round-housed kicked him. “Hey, vat gives?!”
The Purple freak then took off the dinosaur mask and revealed the person controlling the dinosaur’s moves, Chuck Norris. [sorry Chuck, please don’t send Oprah to eat me]
A short story shortened, Chuck Norris round house kicked Dracula’s ass and the medics had to pick him up too.
~THE FOLLOWING DAY~
“So glad you guys could make it today.”
“Not that we had a choice…” grumbled Edward.
“…”
“What Dracula? You’re gonna have to speak up.”
“I’ve come to su-,”
“NEVER MIND SHUT UP!!”
“…”
“…”
“So, on a different note, today you will be competing to see which of you is scarier. This will be tested by who can scare the crap out of me first.”
Both vampires assumed their positions. “You guys can just go back and forth and try to be scary.”
“I’ve come to suck your BLOOD!” shouted Dracula, flashing his fangs and laughing evilly.
“I’ve come to eat your toast!” exclaimed Edward who proceeded to do the jazz hands.
“…”
“… My toast? Seriously, Twinkle-Toes?”
“Well I would be scared is someone stole my toast…”
“I’VE COME TO SUCK YOUR BLOOD!!”
“Yeah, we get it Dracula…”
“I’m incredibly fast, and strong. My skin is ice cold and pale white. I-“
“BORING!! Heard it all before pretty boy, save it for Bella.”
The faint smell of fresh-baked cookies wafted through the room and a door opened near the back. A figure with long, black hair stepped out and turned around.
“I brought the cookies”
“OH MY CHUCK NORRIS/BRENDON/PETE/SEPH/ZACK/ANYOTHER THING THAT RESEMBLES GOD ITS MICHAEL JACKSON!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!” Screamed Jessica as she hid under her table.
The next half hour after Michael left was spent trying to convince Jessica that the ‘scary man’ was indeed gone and that it was safe to come out.
“Since neither of you succeeded to scare ANYONE, the winner is Michael… you two should be ashamed of yourselves. Each of you will have to meet me in this building after you are let out of the truck that will bring you there in one hour.”
With that Jessica left and headed for the building to set up the last, secret challenge.
“They think that they are just going to have to come into the building but what they really are going to have to do is this. I’ve hired a man that will come by dressed as boua hobo pushing a shopping cart with a brand new flat-screen T.V. The man will drop the T.V. to where the vampire can see it and another hired person in a car will run over the T.V. The vampire must then help the man back to the store where he got the T.V. from, offer to buy him a new one AND pay for everything that the hobo decided to try and shop-lift upon leaving the store. Isn’t that a great plan Seph?!”
“Umm and they do not know that this is what they are supposed to do right?”
“Right.”
“And what is this supposed to test exactly?”
“Their inner beauty ofcourse! Don’t you ever watch T.V. Seph?”
“…”
“Anyway the person will be followed by our hidden cameras. Here comes Dracula now.”
Zack, dressed up as a hobo with the flatscreen T.V. walked onto the scene and dropped the T.V. right as Fred and George Weasley rounded a corner in a car and then jumped out of the way before the twins ran it over with their car. Dracula walked over to Zack and thankfully didn’t notice who it was [which is hard to believe] and offered to walk him back to Best Buy. At Best Buy, Dracula bought Zack a new T.V. while Zack was trying to shop-lift. Once Zack was stopped by security Dracula payed for everything that ‘the hobo’ had tried to steal and got a new cart for Zack and sent him on his way. After all this Dracula made it to the building he was supposed to make it to, entered the front doors and waited in the waiting room.
“How did he do that?”
“I told you they’d know what to do Seph. Now let’s see what the Human Disco Ball does.”
Jessica and Sephiroth both gasped at what they saw on the screen, then Jessica turned to Seph and said, “I think we’ve made our decision.”
~ A little bit later~
“Dracula, Twinkle-Toes, that last thing that you did was actually another test. The name that I call will be the un-dead person that has won and that person will walk away with a book-wich.”
“Dracula…congradulations, you win.”
“I’ve come to suck your blood?”
“Umm, you can go now. The person outside will give you your book-wich.”
Dracula exited the room.
“Edward, there is something you should know. There is more to this competitions than meets the eye. That walk here was a test.”
“Hey, you are TOTALLY taking this from that ‘True Beauty’ show, aren’t you?!”
“Fine, ruin my fun… Basically Dip-Shit, you were supposed to help the hobo before coming here, not try to make out with some random girl and sign autographs.”
“You mean I was supposed to take him to Best Buy and get him a new T.V. then pay for the stuff he tried to shop-lift and then get him a new cart and send him on his way?!”
Seph turned to Jessica, “How do they KNOW this?!”
“That is EXACTLY what you were supposed to do. I wish I could say that I’m sorry Twinkle-Toes, but I’m not… you fail as a person AND a vampire.”
Edward was about to argue back, but then he started running away followed by a giant hand holding the deer from earlier and a loud, deep voice shouting “DEEEEER SHAAAAAANK!!!!”
“So… yeah, that concludes today’s randomness. Tune in next time [if there is a next time, cause I know that this totally sucked] for more randomly random stuff.”
AND for all of you how haven’t seen it… click this link or DIE!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0AEdNd50gNY
